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Captain Steve XXX [Google Me, Betch]
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| dear time, |
[17th of November 09|12.19pm] |
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mood |
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 cold |
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music |
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the shins |
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please do me a favor and stop passing so quickly. thank you.
regards,
steve
ps: you forgot to let me sleep in
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| stay with me |
[2nd of November 09|5.42pm] |
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mood |
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 sick |
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music |
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atreyu |
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it's been a little over a month since i last updated
things aren't looking good for me. it feels like the end for ryan and i
i'm fucking dying inside
i didn't sleep last night, i couldn't concentrate today, i've only eatten twice and in very small portions, i feel sick to my fucking stomach, i'm worrying way too much about this
i miss my boyfriend, i really do, i wish i wasn't such a fuck up
i haven't feel this shitty in years, since maybe before this livejournal
i really just hope i don't slip into another depressive episode, i tried really hard to kick that section of my life behind me, i don't want to go back there, to feeling alone and dead inside
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| this is amazing |
[28th of September 09|12.41pm] |
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mood |
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 ecstatic |
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music |
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talk to animals |
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i'm so happy
people whom i don't even know are starting to subscribe to my youtube channel. my new video got 100 views in about a day and a half, meanwhile i gained 3 new subscribers.
aaaand with that being said, here's my new video
my confession, i am actually jeffree star
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| i need a new job |
[22nd of September 09|11.32am] |
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mood |
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 frustrated |
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music |
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the shins |
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stalkers are crafty,they find out where i work. i was thinking like an office job where the only people who see me are the people i work with.
i'm very easy to get along with as long as people aren't creeps or perves.
on the note of stalkers: my most recent stalker comes in to my work everyday to see if i'm working. with people like this i wonder if they work or how they live. how do they make money? do they live off of their parent's income? i mean they have time to stalk someone they don't even know.
i should check out geico, i just don't want to be working the graveyard shifts, a nice 3-11 shift every other day would be ideal so i still have time for school, boyfriend and a social life.
i'm getting this cast off in 2 days, then a shorter one. after that one comes off i'm starting that new diet/exercise routine that i've been meaning to start, but this broken arm buisness has been such a burden to me and surprisingly others. this is one of the only things i'm self conscious of. it's been the cause for arguments with my boyfriend and i. what part of "i don't want to have sex right now because of this stupid cast" is so hard to understand
that argument being a product of our argument about him not wanting to watch horror movies because they are "gross, tasteless, stupid, pointless"
it's a fucking movie
his response to me saying that is "i know it's just a movie but it makes me uncomfortable, to see the evil that people are capable of"
i still don't understand that, i usually watch every movie he wants to watch even if i'm unaware of what has happened in prequels to the movie.
i understand that no relationship is perfect but we argue about the stupidest things. and then he has the nerve to tell me that he gets paranoid when we don't have sex because when there's no sex in a relationship that it means something is wrong, in other words, he thinks i might be cheating. really?! ugh
i had to get that off of my chest. i'm very stressed and frustrated right now
irrelevant: i really enjoyed watching garden state
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| run to your grave |
[18th of September 09|10.57am] |
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mood |
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sick |
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music |
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the mae shi |
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bigggggg update since i haven't posted in a month and a half
5 months with ryan
broke my arm on some fool's head at warped tour, WOO!
getting this cast off next week, it'll have been 3 weeks in this cast, then another week in a smaller cast
dale threw away our friendship of 8 years for some boy he wasn't even dating for 3 months and hasn't even known for 6 months. his loss. i'm at peace with it, i know i'm the more mature logical person.
on that note, i don't hold a grudge, grudges are negative energy i believe in karma and sure those who wrong me will get theirs one day ten fold.
excited for a few shows, esp. my boys in forever united opening for BANE at the epicentre
as for my health, it started with a broken arm, followed by a swollen cheek due to a wisdom tooth infection, allergies and now a cold.
i only have the cold and cast on at the moment
i've been meeting a lot of new rad people, i'm contacting the modeling agency that called me after i get my cast off, also starting a new diet/work out routine
lastly my current outrage
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mike-alvear/stonewall-2009-police-rai_b_286649.html
really? REALLY? AGAIN?!
here's the problem with gays today, they aren't fucking aggressive enough
what they SHOULD'VE done is started another stonewall riot, same place, same fucking rage and in greater numbers
to those who say "what if you get arrested?"
betch i ain't scared of the popo, call the popo, i'll call them for you, the popo ain't gonna do SHIT to me, they fucking touch me i'll press charges and get BAAAAANK from the state AND THEN i'll sue the police department, AND WHAT BITCH?!
that's it for now
if you want to know what i'm doing more often
twitter.com/CaptainSteveXXX
and subscribe to my youtube channel
youtube.com/user/captainstevexxx
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| taking everything down reminds me of putting everything back up |
[12th of August 09|5.21pm] |
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mood |
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 creative |
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music |
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passion pit |
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my walls being covered in posters and such represented me very much
taking down everything i see marks where i used to kick the walls when i was mad, sad, etc.
i used posters, magazine pages, fliers and all that jazz to cover all of that up
i used to be very uncomfortable with how i looked so i used to cover myself up with a lot of black clothing, make up, etc.
funny how things change, i've completely turned myself around. i've changed a lot in the past few years. and it's funny how i've only lived here at this house in jamul for 5 or odd years.
taking it all down resembles the opposite. i've come out of my shell a lot in the past few years. there's nothing to hide anymore.
i'm almost done taking everything down.
i'm repainting my room then splashing paint on the walls. i'm more excited about the latter, it's going to add a touch of what i am now to my room.
regardless, i'm excited to be redoing my room.
this is gonna get messy...
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| i have one thing to say to the haters |
[26th of June 09|1.00am] |
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mood |
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calm |
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music |
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geoffrey paris and the beauty school dropouts |
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keep talking shit
you're making me famous
i don't mind (:
lastly
RIP Michael Jackson
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| to say the least, i'm disgusted |
[23rd of June 09|10.03am] |
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mood |
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annoyed |
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music |
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blonde redhead |
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so before i start telling this story, let me paint a picture for you:
2 or odd years ago when dale and i were in the process of breaking up for the 2nd time, we were in the backseat of his parents' car arguing while they were in the store, i ended up making him cry, when his parents came back his mom noticed that he was crying, when she asked him what was wrong he said nothing and she gave me a dirty ass look because she knew i made him cry
even a few months before that she kept telling him that i was hiding things from him and that i'm no good for him.
since then she's been holding a grudge against me
this past saturday i went to disneyland with dale, teresa and her little brother anthony
on the way up, we were maybe 20 minutes away when i asked dale
"so who are we meeting up there?"
he responded by saying "mr.murakoto"
i was like "who the fuck is that?"
he explained "a disney executive, my mom called him and asked if i could get 3 tickets to get in for free"
confused i replied "but there's 4 of us, why did she only ask him for 3?"
he looked over at me and said "you know why"
enraged i said "your mom still doesn't like me? wow, what a cunt"
teresa told me "that's pretty harsh of you to say"
and i told her "well she is one, to me at least"
dale said to me "i don't appreciate you talking about my mother like that"
so i told him "well, i don't appreciate your mother holding a grudge against me for something that occurred over 2 years ago, she's a grown woman over twice my age and she needs to start acting like an adult and grow the fuck up"
we just let it go after that, or so i thought. i still ended up getting in for free.
way later on during the day while we were waiting in line for the finding nemo ride, it was maybe about 4 or 5 o' clock, i started watching juno on my ipod because no one was talking. so when i paused it a few minutes later to watch a certain part again i hear dale running his mouth about me, talking all this mad shit about how i'm just a hole in his pocket, etc.
again, i was enraged, but i let it go, it's not healthy for someone to be so stressed out and angry, although it did ruin the rest of the day for me. so for the rest of the day i kept to myself, i was quiet and only spoke when i was spoken to.
when he dropped me off at home i said thank you and goodbye but wasn't even acknowledged by dale nor teresa, i tried again, nothing. fine, i slammed the door and headed inside of my house where i went on myspace and posted an angry bulletin.
here's the thing, he's too much of a little bitch to say things to my face apparently, dale has had it easy this entire time, i could easily beat his ass and tear his face open, i would decimate him if i attacked him. i haven't done so because he's my best friend, oh i'm sorry, my mistake he's my "best friend."
i've stood up for him through thick and thin to anyone who has ever badmouthed him, including my friends, family and sometimes even strangers. he doesn't stand up for me apparently, not even to his mother whom i've just left alone. hell, i even forgot that she disliked me. no matter, my soul is at peace while her's is filled with hatred, stress and anger.
after all that my family and i have done for him, he still goes and disrespects me. his mother never once took into consideration that we took her son under our wings and let him live in our home, sleep in one of our beds, use our electricity, water, eat our food, etc. never once did we consider him a burden, moving out was completely his choice, we were trying to help him get on his feet and still his mother holds a silly little grudge against me, high school must have been 27 years ago for her and 3 years ago for me. i don't do drama, however i will speak my mind and say what i think about her. it's time to grow up and act like adults which we both are. i'm sure the reason she hates me so much is because she hates herself and uses me as a vent.
a hole in his pocket? well, i didn't consider him a burden when he was living here in my house for a few months for FREE when he had no job and no money. before he was bankin' the big bills with the christopher weil company.
to say the least, i'm disgusted. i'm sickened by this childish act. his arrogance astounds me.
regardless, i'm putting all of this behind me and told him not to contact me until he is ready to apologize because clearly there is nothing i need to apologize for.
like i stated in my myspace bulletin, i'm not asking for someone to tell me that i was right or wrong, the point that i'm trying to get across is that my best friend has turned into my "best friend" a fake backstabber who accuses me of not appreciating what he does for me when it is clearly he who lacks the appreciation of all that my family and i have ever done for him.
i told my mom the same story and she's a bit angry with him as well. she did tell me that it wasn't right for me to call his mom a cunt but she also said that it's not right for her to be judging me so harshly either considering the fact that she's an adult and that we provided a home for her son while he was facing tough times.
i want to know how one person can have so many faces. it's disgusting.
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| i'm not like them |
[7th of June 09|1.51am] |
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music |
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circa survive |
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randomly im just to be nice
conversation about starbucks turns into...
levraivous (1:31:04 AM): agh you love him dont you
stevexedge619 (1:31:29 AM): who?
levraivous (1:31:36 AM): your man
stevexedge619 (1:31:40 AM): i wouldn't say i'm in love yet
stevexedge619 (1:31:50 AM): that shit takes time
stevexedge619 (1:32:28 AM): no one ever really knows what going on in my heart
so i asked why then signed off since he didn't respond, then when i sign back on later
levraivous (3:01:58 AM): yeah i was just asking because i wanted to do it
levraivous (3:02:07 AM): had to throw it out there
levraivous (3:02:18 AM): drunk bitch this guy
levraivous went away at 3:02:25 AM.
stevexedge619 (3:02:31 AM): well, shoulda done it when ya had the chance
levraivous (3:02:39 AM): guess so
levraivous (3:02:41 AM): epic fail
levraivous signed off at 3:02:54 AM.
levraivous is offline and will receive your IMs when signing back in.
stupid
get the fuck over yourself
you had your chance, you blew it
move on
and asking me that question with the intent of fucking me?
fuck that, i have class even if i were single i wouldn't fuck you
although, i am close to saying i love you to ryan
so i did lie to simon, whatever
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| don't be surprised if your house catches fire while you're sleeping |
[5th of June 09|2.54am] |
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music |
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pogo |
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i'm just praying for a cloudy day everyday
so that i can be happy
and so that i know you're sad
i'm finding tranquility in the dark
this is where i come when i feel alone
i wish i'd turn to stone
ps: it's your fault that my heart looks like death
i hope that when it rains that you are washed away... forever
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| my hands are shaking, your hands are shaking |
[26th of May 09|8.16am] |
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music |
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trigger my nightmare |
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stress stress stress
galore
fuck this is so annoying, i want finals to be over
i have 3 this week
then i pretty much have a week off, my last final is for spanish on the 1st
i need to finish all my online work, i'm going to try and do it all today
this weekend was pretty much perfect aside from being sick
i honestly think that the reason i'm sick is because of stress/finals
friday-went camping with ryan to war in potrero, it was like this midieval times kinda thing, pretty interesting, so we got there, unpacked, ate dinner then went off to mingle with the interesting people.
saturday- got up, ate, went walking around. apparently i'm good at throwing tomahawks at targets. anywho we packed up and ended up leaving around 4ish. went back to my house to take a shower, ordered pizza, watched mi vida loca, got ready then went to melissa's party. i was seriously about to fight 3 people at that fucking party, it's like "hey, this is my friend's house party, not your ugly shitty ass state frat kegger party, if you think you can come here and stare me down then you're gonna have another thing coming, i don't take ANYONE'S shit, i don't give a FUCK if you're bigger than me, i'll fucking waste you, just because i'm a faggot doesn't mean i'm a pussy" that was the extent of it though, stockwell told his ugly ass friends to chill out. met some interesting people there. then went to ryan's house to sleep.
sunday- got up, got ready, then headed to the studio in mission to valley to record gang vocals with the boys. it was nice to hang out with ryan and my friends.
monday- ryan got me around noonish, made me breakfast, took a nap, had lunch, then work. it was such a random day, i'm not going to go into details but some of it stressed me the fuck out. had dinner with ryan during my break then headed back to that shithole. got out of there kinda early, he picked me up and we hung out for a bit.
so here's the main point of my entry, i think i'm falling for him, i just don't know if it's too soon to say it, you know? i think i'm gonna wait until it's been 2 months for us but until then i'll just work on another mix cd for him.
fuck, it's been too long since i've listened to TMN, i miss this shit :-/
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| When you and I are alone, I’ve never felt so at home |
[27th of April 09|12.58pm] |
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 quixotic |
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music |
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owl city |
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week 3 with ryan as of today
he's made me very happy
i can't believe how amazing one person can be
last week was by far the most terrible week that i've ever had to live
quite embarrassing as well, i still can't believe the shit that went down
if you want to know what happened ask me
because even though i set this entry to friends only it's still very embarrassing and i don't want everyone to know
so you can text me if you wanna know 619 504 8368
this week seems to be off to a good start thus far, even though i don't get to see ryan very much, that's fine
i'm supposed to go see him in a bit
it's kinda annoying how i know that simon still wants me, he tries to pretend that he doesn't but it's so obvious that he's pretending
he comes in my stickam room randomly all the time
then a few nights ago i changed my facebook status to "steven juarez has shared your lips and now they sicken him"
i get an im on my phone from him before i go to sleep asking "what's up with your fbook status?"
like i said, i'm glad that he told me he didn't want a relationship, i'm happy with ryan, if simon hadn't turned me down i wouldn't have started hanging out with ryan more
i honestly think that i would have been miserable if i had ended up with simon
but still, it's awfully noticeable that he's still keeping a close eye on me
i don't care, be jealous, you had your chance and i'm glad that you blew it sucka
don't be bitter, i don't like ending on bad terms with people and i prefer to be friends and JUST FRIENDS, especially since i'm not the cheating type
anywho, i'm gonna go have lunch with mr.boyfriendface now
everyone keeps asking why i'm so happy all the time now
you know you haven't seen a legit smile on my face like this in a while
i've learned to love myself completely
and i got this boy who i'm not afraid to be myself around
he digs everything about me and that makes me an even happier person
and i find it funny how us being so happy together makes some people sick
hahahaha fuck you (:
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| take it off take it off, don't stop don't stop |
[15th of April 09|11.54am] |
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mood |
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 bouncy |
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music |
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jeffree star (don't judge me betch, haha) |
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so week one with ryan has gone swimmingly
we try to hang out everyday
we don't get our priorities out of order
we talked on the phone last night til about 1 am
after i got off the phone with him i noticed one of my friends was on aim, i thoughtlessly clicked on the name right above him and imed simon instead by accident
so i was like shit, oh well, this can't be too bad, talked to him for a bit
he asked about ryan and i told him the truth that i'm happy
i somewhat hope i crushed his heart by saying that
he wasn't responding much so i think i may have been successful
good, i went to sleep in peace
i've realized that i went from really nice to a big time asshole
that's fine, it doesn't bother me
i'm supposed to hang out with him today, i need to get my hair cut first, although he likes my hair this long it starts to bother me
i've got some scruff going on my face, i'm looking like cute hipster trash and i'm loving it
i kinda of want to go see deathcab for cutie at the rimac
of course there's jeremy's show at soma this weekend
then there's a day to remember next friday
you know what i find funny? my family seem to be the ones who try to drag me down the most when i'm happy with myself, my sister, cousin in law, mother, etc.
i'm trying to do my own thing here and people are getting on my case
I.DON'T.CARE
i think it's great that when i'm stressing out that my boyfriend makes me feel so much better
i broke down from the stress saturday night talking about what my mom told me about when the fbi came over and threatened to put me on the sex offender's list or whatever, they blew shit out of proportion, i need to try and get a hold of who ever came to my house, talk to them one on one and clear up my name, they can lurk my stickam all they want, i'm not doing anything wrong and they're just boosting my number of views
who would've thought i would've found someone so legit and beautiful?
i want to make him the happiest guy in the world
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| will you put my hands away? will you be my man? |
[9th of April 09|2.05am] |
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content |
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music |
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interpol/silversun pickups playlist |
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i've been avoiding contacting simon unless he contacts me
so far for the past 3 days he's imed me or gone into my stickam room
what the sucka don't know is i don't play games
over him, have been
moved on
bamboozle left was utter amazingness
for the past month i've been talking to ryan
for the past 2 weeks i've seen him almost everyday
he's down to earth and chill as fuck
we went to see attack attack on monday
he met a few of my friends
he could hang with the rough environment
to my surprise he liked the music
he said he had fun
amazing (:
went back to his place after the show, laid in bed, cuddled, kissed
when he brought something up
"remember how earlier your friend asked if i was the new boy?"
"mmmhmm" of course i remembered, ja'rodd asked right after i see stars
"you know i like you" he said
"well, honestly, i like you too" i couldn't lie
"where do we stand then?" he asked
"well, if you're ready to be more than this, i am too" my heart sounded like a machine gun after i said this
"definitely" his answer slowed my heart and made my stomach flutter
it was great, fell asleep in his arms
woke up to his beautiful face and a kiss
i'm usually not into boys with blue eyes but goodness, he has the prettiest blue eyes i've ever caught myself staring into
my friends that i talk to like everyday want to meet him
well, soon enough
this feels legit
he says he misses me and he wishes he were here holding me on a regular basis, he makes me feel the way i've wanted a boy to make me feel
and i don't get all emo when i miss him because i know it's mutual
he's honest by default
i can be myself
he makes me laugh when he's his goofy self
he makes me smile when he says sweet things
he tells me how amazing i am
he notices if something is wrong
he's not straight edge but that doesn't bother me
he doesn't smoke and he's true to himself
sure he drinks, so what? doesn't bother me
i said i wanted a boy with a true heart
well, i got a man with a true heart
i'm happy, i like this feeling
i'm in control
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| just as i thought |
[28th of March 09|11.37pm] |
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mood |
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 crappy |
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music |
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a day to remember |
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levraivous (11:30:50 PM): i'm going to bed
levraivous (11:31:00 PM): but i wanted to let you know that i can't see you again
levraivous (11:31:02 PM): i had a great time
steveXedge619 (11:31:05 PM): can't?
levraivous (11:31:05 PM): but it's not going to work
levraivous (11:31:09 PM): and it never will
levraivous (11:31:16 PM): because you and i are too different
levraivous (11:31:17 PM): i'm sorry
steveXedge619 (11:31:19 PM): umm
levraivous (11:31:20 PM): it's not rejection
levraivous (11:31:28 PM): but i just wanted to let you know
levraivous (11:31:33 PM): so you don't go to bed thinking about me
levraivous (11:31:40 PM): so good night
steveXedge619 (11:31:41 PM): umm ok
steveXedge619 (11:31:44 PM): friends?
levraivous (11:31:54 PM): basically
steveXedge619 (11:31:57 PM): deal
levraivous (11:32:02 PM): i just can't be in a relationship
levraivous (11:32:04 PM): i can see you
levraivous (11:32:07 PM): we can lay together
levraivous (11:32:10 PM): all of that
levraivous (11:32:11 PM): say sweet things
levraivous (11:32:13 PM): but i simply
levraivous (11:32:18 PM): can't be in a relationship
steveXedge619 (11:32:23 PM): ok
levraivous (11:32:27 PM): because in all honesty i feel like we're in different places
levraivous (11:32:31 PM): maybe we won't be later
steveXedge619 (11:32:39 PM): perhaps
levraivous (11:32:44 PM): so yeah, that's how i feel
levraivous (11:32:49 PM): but you're wonderfully sweet
steveXedge619 (11:32:52 PM): i appreciate the honesty
levraivous (11:33:03 PM): i just don't want to mislead you
levraivous (11:33:04 PM): i'm sorry
steveXedge619 (11:33:11 PM): it's quite alright
levraivous (11:33:41 PM): i'm going to bed though
levraivous (11:33:47 PM): so i'll talk to you tomorrow
steveXedge619 (11:33:52 PM): deal, goodnight
levraivous (11:33:52 PM): and i'll get your ring from the clairemont house when i can
levraivous (11:34:02 PM): good night mister man
levraivous (11:34:06 PM): thanks for showing me a good time
steveXedge619 (11:34:11 PM): g'night simon, ditto
i give up
this time for real
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| i love your long shadows and your gunpowder eyes |
[28th of March 09|7.57pm] |
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mood |
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anxious |
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music |
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case, neko |
] |
so an update
it's been a hell of a week
got an add from the most adorable hipster boy on myspace last weekend i believe
we began talking via myspace, aim, text and skype
talking pretty much everyday, he's a sweet, down to earth boy who listens to practically all the same stuff i do, i was moreso impressed that he loved mewithoutyou, blonde redhead and the arcade fire as much as i do
we were talking after work on thursday night which was technically friday because it was after midnight
when i got home we talked via aim, followed by stickam
all of a sudden he signed off of everything, aim, stickam, skype
so i was wondering wtf? maybe his power went out or something
i tried texting, no reply
texted him about twice the next day, no response
i figured maybe just another boy who was just trying to get at me, i let it go and went to the alesana show
i had a great time with the boys as always even though there was some minor drama as always
so after alesana finished their set i went outside and noticed that my phone was vibrating
it was simon, he asked if he could come pick me up, so i said yes and he was there shortly after
he apologized for not contacting me back, that something had come up, i'm not at liberty to mention what it is
anywho we went to coronado to this random little diner called the day and night cafe, had a bite and talked
then we went and chilled on this ledge next to the water where we had this beautiful view of downtown, he mentioned being a bit cold so i put my arm around him, he moved in closer, we talked for a few minutes and gradually kept getting closer to each other, there it happened, our first kiss, it was perfect, held each other for a bit then decided to go get the key to his friend jen's other house so he didn't have to drive me all the way home
jen drove there with her friend, they left shortly after, simon and i headed to bed
i told him "i wear, pretty much next to nothing when i sleep, i hope that's fine"
he said "that's fine, same goes for me"
we kissed and cuddled listening to sigur ros until the playlist was over
we talked more in depth, he asked me what i was expecting, i asked as
"far as what?"
"well, are you looking for a relationship?" he asked
so i came clean "to be straight up with you, ultimately, yes, because i do like you, i just don't want to rush into anything yet, i know the past few months have been tough for you and would love to when you're ready"
he agreed "very true, you don't appreciate things as much when you rush into them"
the entire night was filled with sweet talk, from start to end
we fell asleep shortly after, hand in hand
in the morning i turned to my left to see his ridiculously cute self, his hair all over the place and those eyes that could stop time looking at me. we got up shortly after somewhat of a repeat of last night then got ready and took off to starbucks, he dropped me off at the bottom of my driveway and kissed me before i left
all day i haven't been able to stop thinking about him
it's odd, i'm not sure what i did to deserve such a perfect boy
we'll be seeing each other again soon,i just hope i don't fuck this up like the past few boys
however, i'm not dealing with a boy this time, i'm dealing with a man who isn't afraid to be honest and real with me
it's strange to say so, but i miss him already
infatuation is a bitch
the way i know this could be something good is i'm not afraid to be myself completely around him
when the bad side in me comes out around people i know that it's because there's something about them that just isn't right, well, this is pretty damn right
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| everything you love |
[21st of March 09|7.06pm] |
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mood |
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pissed off |
] |
| [ |
music |
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love is red |
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Knowing what you once were
And seeing what you've become
As far as I'm concerned, your days are done
Stop making excuses to justify your actions
Accept your mistakes
Rather than hiding from it all
I hate the fact you've changed
I hate you gave it up
I hate the fact that you've turned to everything you're not
Searching for acceptance
Whatever it takes
Selling everyone out
Your life's a fake
I hate everything you love.
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| i tried to hide |
[21st of March 09|3.10am] |
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mood |
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 confused |
] |
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music |
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minor threat |
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i can't do this anymore
i'm so tired of feeling used
still no word from carlos, i'm trying so hard to get him out of my head, i'm hurting over nothing, but fuck i like him a lot, i wish he wasn't such a pussy with his emotions
this has honestly been one of the worst weeks of my life
i tried being nonchalant about it but everything keeps getting worse
today was supposed to be normal, hung out with paul who is a FRIEND, however i've been crushin on this kid like crazy,BUT he has a boyfriend, went to lunch today, when he was dropping me off i gave him a hug goodbye and he kissed me on the cheek, so my stupid ass asks
"would your boyfriend mind if i kissed you back"
and he says "my boyfriend won't know"
made out for a good minute or two
fuck i'm such a douchebag, i'm a homewrecker, oh well, this must be who i am
the begining of this post is irrelevant to this story
the main thing that's been pissing me off lately is everyone thinks they can judge me
i don't give a fuck who you are, I DON'T FUCKING CARE WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT ME, the world doesn't revolve around you, especially not my world, my world revolves around me, any fucking questions? can i simplify that anymore for someone?
another thing is i don't even know who i am anymore
one other thing is i'm starting to hate straight edge so much because everyone does it for all the wrong reasons, i do it for myself, i'm intrinsically motivated to be edge
everyone else, does it to fit into some stupid fucking clique, because it makes them that much cooler, so they can say "i'm better than you because i'm edge"
and the sad thing is some of these people aren't even edge for real, they just say they are, you know some of them smoke, drink, or fuck when no one's looking
and i hate christian straight edge kids because they do it out of fear of god, that's just fucking stupid
i'm seriously thinking of not labeling myself as straight edge because i hate straight edge kids, they're almost all assholes, uneducated, ignorant and straight up contradict themselves on a regular basis
whatever, i'm done venting
all i know is that this world can suck my fucking dick
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| we keep the wet dream alive |
[10th of March 09|7.18am] |
| [ |
mood |
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content |
] |
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music |
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give up the ghost |
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well, a follow up...
texting thursday night
him:"so i've been walking around with a smile on my face all day"
me:"oh yeah? why's that?"
him:"you know why"
me:"me?"
him:"no, the other guy i was kissing last night"
me:"haha you dork, you're sweet"
him:"permutation by the chili peppers is the song. it's got that aggressive lip biting guitar solo"
(this was the song that was playing when i made a move on him in his car during our first date)
me:";-) i def just smiled big"
him:"hell i'm the one that just listened to it"
me:"hehe good song with a good memory behind it"
him:"yeah it is"
me:"i'm sure there'll be more"
him:"i'm holding you to that"
me:"deal"
he picked me up during my break on saturday, we hung out at starbucks and talked, followed by chillin in his car, making out (:
anywho, went back to work then home and ready for the show, got a little crazy for a local show during seconds from disaster, my ass got hit in the face at one point haha, got freddy in during the middle of SFD's set, took off a little bit after sfd
so i started picking up some weird vibes on sunday when we were texting, like something was wrong, he wasn't acting like himself, i figured he had lost interest or something, so i was kinda expecting him to pull the whole 'this isn't going to work' act, so i didn't really talk to him until he called last night
we talked for a bit until i said
"well hey i'm gonna knock out i have class early"
him:"um i need to tell you something"
me:"um, ok"
him:"honestly, you kinda scare me"
(i didn't know what to think, so i kinda just played it cool)
me:"uhh, i'm not sure what you mean"
him:"ever since i saw you saturday during your break on saturday i couldn't stop thinking about you, and i mean after i saw you i couldn't stop shaking, like i was nervous or something"
(totally not what i was expecting)
me:"oh, well... do you want me to back off or something? i mean because i will if you want me to, it's no biggie, you can be 100% honest with me and i won't hold it against you"
him:"no no, if i wanted you to back up i'd say so, i just, i don't know, i'm not sure what's wrong with me"
me:"nothing is wrong with you"
him:"i don't know, i mean i haven't been able to concentrate on anything, i've been at work, my mind wasn't at work, i went to the concert, my mind wasn't at the concert, i went to class, my mind wasn't in class, i'm not sure what it is, i can't stop thinking about you"
me:"do you want me to explain this in simple terms? because there's nothing wrong with you"
him:"i guess so"
me:"from what you've told me so far these are all signs of infatuation, it's a crush you have, there's nothing wrong with it and it's perfectly normal"
him:"well, i mean, did you get like this ever?"
me:"yeah, i do a lot when i'm crushing on someone, to be completely honest, i've been thinking about you a lot as well"
him:"i don't know what to do, i'm not sure how to deal with this"
me:"what this is is a way of your mind craving to be around me more often and get to know me better, i'm sure we can figure this out together"
anywho, the conversation went off in that direction, i told him how much i appreciated him being honest with me and that i'd be honest with him as well as i always am
the only thing that will be difficult about dating him is the fact that he's so in the closet, like i'm one of the only two people who knows that he's bi or whatever, one of the things he brought up was if he "brought my around his friends" and i told him i'm not pushing anything or making him so anything he doesn't want to do
this is going to be somewhat of a task but i'm always up for a challenge, besides, he's a good guy, and also he's not a drug dealer or hiv+ like the last guy i was chasing and doing handstands for
we made plans to see each other thursday after my photoshoot at sdsu
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